Goals, Patience: Metamorphosis

               The sun is playing hide and seek with me. We have been playing my entire life, but recently the competition has been heated. He veils himself behind clouds and teasingly grants only a moment or only a minute or almost a full hour of warm desirable presence. Thus, vindictively, I have decided that I will also hide, shadowed in The Structure (echo echo echo), and only come out for moments or minutes or almost full hours. I make the excuse of calling it schooling, but now you all know the truth. There are times, however, when I chance to show myself that the outing is mutual (against all odds), and we meet full on. I prepare myself for excuses or a sudden disappearance, but the dear silly sun then acts strangely in that manner that is as if nothing has happened between us; as if there never were any game at all, and I find myself helpless and obliging. In those sudden unearthly moments my arms are free and embracing the embrace of my warm, callous, distant, harsh, soft, nourishing, hypocritical, friend. *Sigh* Then the game is on again.
                I find that like the sun I and my goals have a very off association at times. Hiding from them was never intentional, but the darker parts of my mind often choose just those things to shroud. Perhaps they know that a ship without a destination is nothing more than a toy boat. Who doesn't want a toy boat? But toys become tiresome and without purpose. Ships do not. Goals are as lasting and as eternal as destinations, One after the other with no end: the travel is the prize. The destination is the port before the next plunge, and every plunge builds as we achieve our purpose. Oh purposes. To have financial stability (or rather, to have finances). To read every book I own. To write every day. To speak what I mean at the right moment, when I speak. To give everyone the space they need. To improve upon all of my relationships. To visit the temple more often. To bear enough patience to do any of these things, and then, to not forget about them in the waiting.
                It is in the waiting I suffer most. If I appear calm it is because I am forgetting something. There is SO much I am waiting for. I write it down, plan the necessary steps, wait for a satisfying life-shatteringly gigantic change to suddenly occur, and then.... then wait.
                It is said that Time waits for no one, and I will say that I wait for time. I wish we could make some sort of allegiance. I feel so capably changeable and it restrains me with hours and days and weeks and years. Rules rules rules! Necessary (necessary necessary). Ouch. Painful. This metamorphosis.
                I feel like this room is my cocoon and that day by day my life is filling with colors and wings that I cannot entirely see, but that others seem to. The look in their eyes makes me question--question what I am--for the better. Maybe the look in my eyes does the same for all of you. Maybe we are all, in our best state, the most loving of mirrors. Maybe that is frightening. Maybe that is why we play hide and seek.