Big Picture

Sometimes I can't think for all the feeling. It thrums and hums and whirs. So loud. It pushes my nerves fray and taut.

Oh, do I care. But, in caring about everything find that I care so little about anything. About you, or you, or you.

And, you would too.

Not care, like I do.

Look into the depths of our ocean. The infinite of our horizon. Humanity.

Your spat, your toil, your moments, your hopes. Brilliant sparkles in the frosty morning of our existence. Soon the sun will rise and dew-drop them away.

So real. So immaterial.

Life is bigger than us, but will only ever be as big as us. As wide as our eyes and tall as our tale.

One Year

One year, I will be able to say that my life has been working toward this point. I will stand, and I will shout to those that listen, that I traveled here all the way from the 1980s. Just. For. This. Moment.

And, I'll pretend that statement is exclusive.

That it isn't true in every scenario.

That this sandwich I'm eating hasn't been the culmination of every moment of every day. That I didn't work hard, just to survive and eat this crust and peanut butter and jelly.

Not that those sandwiches aren't exclusive, let's be honest. With bananas. Maybe honey.

That this chair isn't the chair that I am sitting on after 20-something years of carefully sitting on chairs. Finally. This chair.

That that look in your eyes isn't the look I've waited to see since I noticed people had eyes, or looks.

And boy, do you have looks.

That every well placed word isn't the upward ascension of the last.

That every fragrance hasn't been in the making since I found out about nostrils.

That every thing.

Everything.

That everything isn't this exquisite mess that I love and love to love.

At that moment, I'll pretend that my life, bar nothing, has been waiting for that moment.

And, I will be a liar.

Linked

Cheery little us, we stand together, bound like a mast in rigging. Circuited amiably with electricity, which we then use to circuit amiably. "On the grid" as they say.

We learn in a grandiose fashion, knowledge displayed up however we like. Images whisked from their storage states away, and vividly brought before our meandering eyes, sometimes given less than a thought.

When we are barraged we are barraged together. "Did you see that one commercial...?"

We all did.

It was targeted at us.

We are a demographic.

But, when something profound is said it bounces around. Happy, euphoric, little jumps to me and you and maybe me again. Until it is so thoroughly quoted it becomes a part of our religion. The religion of discerned wisdom.

Someone will give it a second thought, reword it, and send it out again.

We can chew on the same piece of inspiration endlessly. Limitless teriyaki jerky.

Who doesn't want that?

Look at us, all linked together in ways we never thought we could be. The lowest get raised up, and the raised seem dragged down.

But at the end of the day, the human mess, the American state, is we.

Killing is bad, cheating hurts, love is all we want, and money would be nice. That recipe looks good, this cat video is funny, and the song was catchy.

So thanks for that, us. See you all tomorrow.

The walk

Are you ever more consistent than the world around you? Are you ever more regular than the river, constant than the cars that travel down the boulevard?

A westbound sun places my shadow in trailer parks, The Paul Ream, and Jones Paint and Glass. Sees my footprint cross the river bridge, the school yard, and Burrelle's.

The children leaving Independence, heads bowed with homeward-bound homework-thoughts.

And then the sun and sky and traffic loses me somewhere on 800 North. Slipping into a shadow, with a beep and a deep breath.

Every week, and every working day.

You could say I walk the walk. I fail to speak.

And, here I am still walking. Here I am still trudging up that remote road, and I outlive the river, dying of thirst.

The bridge deviates into gang signs before I stumble off my path.

The year ends and begins for institutionalized education, but I am still here, walking.

When will the world and I collide?

When will someone tell me to get off the path, take a different route, threaten me with alterior motivations?  Altered me or else?

It will it be at night, when my heels mark the passing of eight hours. When all but ill intent sleeps on soft beds with worried heads.

That's when I'll grace the road with streetlights, welcome their orange awareness, and leave the shade to the shadows.

Focus Group

When I think of an experiment there must always be a division in results, for contrast. "You get the real deal. You get a placebo"

You get the experimental new cancer meds. You get sugar pills.

You get to live in a house with the new carpet. You only think you do.

You both get something.

That's what we take.

Everyone is a winner.

"That's unlike life, though, sir. In life the winner is rewarded, and the vanquished are not."

I'll have you know that the candy may be won by the focus group, but the control group does something odd. Something when you tell them they are the control group.

"You're not getting it"

You're just going to watch as someone else does.

You get to desire.

A desire for that candy is born.

A motivation to DO something and acquire it.

And, That is their reward.

Both get something. But, who was really the control group?

A Long While Since Yesterday

At work, by the time the shift is over, it is very late. So late that it is early. I'll leave and the chill and the dark will set in. After a long day is abruptly over there is silence.

Workers leave with the occasional "see you tonight." See you tonight. And, it starts to feel like a long while since yesterday, but its only been forty-minutes.

We work into tomorrow, and then we still don't stop. Words climb over into the next chapter. My life becomes one long page of text. From Monday to Saturday,

No breaks, no stops.

Living in a dream

We use the phrase "living in a dream" inclusively. We slap it onto those who don't own their reality. They take their thoughts and look at them, instead of the road they're driving on. Living in a dream

I with wonder think we have all missed a valuable use of this sentiment. A man goes to work, and just work, because he lives in his dreams. A woman buys makeup instead of food while living in a dream. A person places all his intents on a new car-toy-place-thing when living in a dream

Wherever the desires of our heart are there is our mind also.

And there is so much we are missing in our daily pursuits.

Let's look at the big picture for a moment or a while. Zoom out. See your doings and desires on a schematic. Ask ourselves: is this one of those little things that matters?

What if we want to adopt the view that can see us and ourselves in context. Which desire is big enough to let us see things as they really are? Give us a backdrop for our wants and desires?

What dream is the big dream?

Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce love? Or, did you already know?

When our desire is your desire we can see our desire in the proper light.

Then we can look at our desire through the lens of you seeing it as your desire, and love ourselves as we love you, or love you as we love ourselves.